This morning as I listened to L'maancha by Eitan Katz I was reminded of my love for G-d. When I first feel in love with G-d and how I wanted to know more about Him. I desired to know of His ways, His attributes, and how I could love Him more and please Him.
Growing up in America where the Nation religion is based on belief in Jesus I would pray for HaShem to allow me the opportunity to go to school and later college to learn of Him, yet in all those years within the church it was not to be. Now, I look back and I understand why it was not to be. I prayed and asked for wisdom and truth in following Him. I have learned more in this past year in Torah study than I ever learned in 30 years in a church. My eyes have been opened, truths have been revealed. Some were hard to accept, some made me angry, some I wanted to reject as heresy, but once my emotions sorted through what I learned I took time to dissect what I had learned and examine it. It caused me to also dissect and examine what I had learned about Christianity and only one stood the test: the Torah. For years I had felt like G-d had ignored me or I was not worthy to have the privilege to go to a Christian college, now I understand and realize He had not ignored my prayers, He was listening all the time, it was not my time. I was not to be learn doctrine that was contrary to Him. I was not to embrace a doctrine of idol worship or a man. My time is now, my time started last summer with one small step, a step of inquiry. Since that time my heart has begun beating, my mind has been open to a flood gate of truth and understanding. It was this time now that G-d foresaw He would be answering my prayer, it was I who was impatient feeling I was forgotten when all along my time was just down my path, but I couldn't see it yet.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
My Evil Inclination
Today I awoke feeling tired, ready to take some time to get out of the house. I just have the need to just go somewhere. I have been shut up in this house now for over a week. I have not even walked out to the mailbox, but my school work for last week was done. Thank goodness this is my last week of school for the summer. It will be nice to get it completed so I can begin my summer.
This is where my evil inclination comes in; planning my time away, feeling selfish of my time and who and when I want to visit my kids. I had wanted to go to New York and D.C., but that is not to be. Bill called his sister to see if we could come and visit for a week so they can connect and get to know their niece, but they have not replied or returned his phone calls. Hint taken, you do not want us to come and visit, so I will cross that trip off my list.
Now to plan my trip to visit my children, but when should I go. My parents to my surprise are wanting to ride up with me most of the way to visit my cousin. It will be a good thing for them, my parents are getting older and may not live too many more years. My dad is no longer able to drive for very long and his balance is getting worse and his heart is slowing down. It will be nice to enjoy my time with them, it will be good for Mylei to enjoy her time with them as well. Now to schedule my trip to see the kids in Seattle, but of course their father keeps calling them and pressuring them to come to his family reunion separate from the other family reunion. Why choose a time when I usually come and visit, after all you live within a few hours of them, I live 3 days from them and 2500 miles and have not visited them in two years. So, where I am being selfish is now I lose another 4 to 5 days visit with them and since I will be on a 10 visit time frame so I can drive my parents back to Southern California it now makes it worthless to even drive that far to have the time dominated by someone who lives close by. I had that same issue two years ago when I went for two weeks and Janae's mother had to come over and take them out and then take them to a water park for the day when she lives only 3 miles away and see's them 4 to 5 days a week. This not only robs me, but Mylei who wants to play with her niece and nephew and her siblings too.
Granted I realize the grandparents are fighting to be the favorite grandparents, but aside from that, I wish they could at least give me my few days to visit them. Yes, they will always be their favorites because they live close by and see them often, but to take away from the short time I have is selfish, and now I feel selfish even thinking I was this time to myself, that is my evil inclination. I need to put myself in check, I need to seek G-d and be reminded of all his glory and majesty so I do not dwell on these thoughts. Now, I am even questioning if I want to go and visit them this year either since it is so far to go and then have it cut short.
I know this rant has nothing to do with the teaching of Torah, but I seeing more of sin according to Judaism that I had not seen before and that I need to work on, in this case it is the evil inclination of selfishness on my part for which I need to repent.
This is where my evil inclination comes in; planning my time away, feeling selfish of my time and who and when I want to visit my kids. I had wanted to go to New York and D.C., but that is not to be. Bill called his sister to see if we could come and visit for a week so they can connect and get to know their niece, but they have not replied or returned his phone calls. Hint taken, you do not want us to come and visit, so I will cross that trip off my list.
Now to plan my trip to visit my children, but when should I go. My parents to my surprise are wanting to ride up with me most of the way to visit my cousin. It will be a good thing for them, my parents are getting older and may not live too many more years. My dad is no longer able to drive for very long and his balance is getting worse and his heart is slowing down. It will be nice to enjoy my time with them, it will be good for Mylei to enjoy her time with them as well. Now to schedule my trip to see the kids in Seattle, but of course their father keeps calling them and pressuring them to come to his family reunion separate from the other family reunion. Why choose a time when I usually come and visit, after all you live within a few hours of them, I live 3 days from them and 2500 miles and have not visited them in two years. So, where I am being selfish is now I lose another 4 to 5 days visit with them and since I will be on a 10 visit time frame so I can drive my parents back to Southern California it now makes it worthless to even drive that far to have the time dominated by someone who lives close by. I had that same issue two years ago when I went for two weeks and Janae's mother had to come over and take them out and then take them to a water park for the day when she lives only 3 miles away and see's them 4 to 5 days a week. This not only robs me, but Mylei who wants to play with her niece and nephew and her siblings too.
Granted I realize the grandparents are fighting to be the favorite grandparents, but aside from that, I wish they could at least give me my few days to visit them. Yes, they will always be their favorites because they live close by and see them often, but to take away from the short time I have is selfish, and now I feel selfish even thinking I was this time to myself, that is my evil inclination. I need to put myself in check, I need to seek G-d and be reminded of all his glory and majesty so I do not dwell on these thoughts. Now, I am even questioning if I want to go and visit them this year either since it is so far to go and then have it cut short.
I know this rant has nothing to do with the teaching of Torah, but I seeing more of sin according to Judaism that I had not seen before and that I need to work on, in this case it is the evil inclination of selfishness on my part for which I need to repent.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Which Way Do I Go?
This journey has been a process. A learning process for sure, but also a shedding process. Shedding away of old ideas and traditions for the truth. I can now see why people raised in false religions because their entire country is founded upon, immersed in, and taught there religion as truth, can find it difficult and challenging to let go of the ideology of their faith.
I know I was one of those people. Raised in Christianity, believing all other religions are wrong, missing the truth, or outright cults, I never would have thought I would challenge my own faith and beliefs. I first had to dismiss all the things that I used as excuses to explain away facts from history or archeology. I used the old excuse that all these people are being used by the devil to deceive me.
It wasn't until one day I really put it together and asked myself the question could Paul have created his own religion? I stated to my husband what if . . . What if Paul made this entire vision up, creating the New Testament as the founding blocks of Christianity? How different is his version of truth from that of Muhammad who also had a vision from god with a golden ladder coming down from heaven and giving him his version of the new truth, the Koran?
Never in my wildest dreams would I really confirm that Paul really wrote an entire new religion to the Gentiles using Jesus as the centerpiece. After all, Jesus was a torah observant Jew, he came only to the Jews to teach them torah and to return to the ways of Judaism and torah.
Other things I found interesting is the book of Revelation, it becomes more apparent to me that Paul is more than likely the author of this book as well. According to Judaism, all the things that Christians are waiting for Anti-Christ to do are things the coming Messiah (prophet) is to fulfill. What better way to mislead people away from the truth than to portray the coming truth as lie.
The deeper I follow the truth, the more I see the lie. Now, which way do I go for conversion. Since we are in Texas and I really dislike it here for a number of reasons, I know that I need to move near a synagogue in order to begin the process of conversion.
In times past I always only prayed and waited, but have learned through Judaism we are able to make decisions on our own and still pray. I don't have to feel like I need to sit here for years for something to open, but that I can begin the process and see what happens.
I know I was one of those people. Raised in Christianity, believing all other religions are wrong, missing the truth, or outright cults, I never would have thought I would challenge my own faith and beliefs. I first had to dismiss all the things that I used as excuses to explain away facts from history or archeology. I used the old excuse that all these people are being used by the devil to deceive me.
It wasn't until one day I really put it together and asked myself the question could Paul have created his own religion? I stated to my husband what if . . . What if Paul made this entire vision up, creating the New Testament as the founding blocks of Christianity? How different is his version of truth from that of Muhammad who also had a vision from god with a golden ladder coming down from heaven and giving him his version of the new truth, the Koran?
Never in my wildest dreams would I really confirm that Paul really wrote an entire new religion to the Gentiles using Jesus as the centerpiece. After all, Jesus was a torah observant Jew, he came only to the Jews to teach them torah and to return to the ways of Judaism and torah.
Other things I found interesting is the book of Revelation, it becomes more apparent to me that Paul is more than likely the author of this book as well. According to Judaism, all the things that Christians are waiting for Anti-Christ to do are things the coming Messiah (prophet) is to fulfill. What better way to mislead people away from the truth than to portray the coming truth as lie.
The deeper I follow the truth, the more I see the lie. Now, which way do I go for conversion. Since we are in Texas and I really dislike it here for a number of reasons, I know that I need to move near a synagogue in order to begin the process of conversion.
In times past I always only prayed and waited, but have learned through Judaism we are able to make decisions on our own and still pray. I don't have to feel like I need to sit here for years for something to open, but that I can begin the process and see what happens.
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