Shabbat

Well, this week was our second time observing Shabbat. This time went much better than the last week. I did break Shabbat by accidentally turning on a light out of habit. I felt like over all it was 100% better than our previous attempt.

My only concern is my observation of Bill. I noticed the look on his face as we began Shabbat, I observed his heavy sighs and the rolling of his eyes and reluctance to observe Shabbat in an effort to appease me. It was very disheartening.

As the evening passed on and the next day began he seemed to be in better spirits about observing Shabbat and spend the morning reading and then we all spent more time talking and interacting with each other. It was actually nice. I noticed as the day wore on he was becoming very bored and thumping papers and staring at the walls. It was as if he did not know what to do with out the TV or a phone to have something to do.

After all was done, I think it went rather well and I was thinking very positively that maybe he won't think it is so bad and there is hope that he will come around and desire to be more observant.

From the beginning I had concerns that our faith may be the thing that comes between us as we will have different levels of wanting to following HaShem.

Then today I mentioned I read the post by Rabbi David Katz "

Katz David

Why Texas?
By Chaim Clorfene
I just returned from a weeklong junket (delicious, chocolate) to the great state of Texas, and I must admit that it was an experience that has changed me forever. The thing that had titillated my curiosity was: why Texas? The dynamic growth of the so-called Noahide movement was nowhere else in the world like in Texas. South America has a shmeck of Noahide life, but not like Texas. Texas is mushrooming. There are several Noahide learning centers with their own buildings. The Netiv center in Houston has a full program of classes and is building strong community infrastructure. There are rumblings about setting up a full time Noahide kollel. And they tell me of an eight-foot nine-inch tall Texan Noahide who can shoot lightning out of an unmentionable orifice.
Yes, Texas is the place for Noahides. And now I will give you my personal explanation as to why. Ready? Okay, here it is: Hashem Yisborach has withdrawn His grace from the United States. It has gone dark over there. They could do teshuva and make things right, but until then, things are going to go down spiritually, and who knows how else?
On the other hand, Hashem does not want to leave America for several reason: a) because of the righteous Americans, b) because of the G-d fearing tradition of America, c) because of the merit of America’s tzedaka.
So what does our Father, our King do? He withdraws to Texas. Why Texas? Because Texas (which means friend in Yucatanese) is not one of the 50 states in the same manner as the other 49 states in the union. The other 49 states are part of the union by virtue of having been annexed. For any state to try and secede from the Union would immediately bring the wrath of the federal government down on them, legally, according to United States law. That is what happened when the south seceded. But Texas was never annexed to America. It has statehood through a treaty. Texas, technically, is a foreign nation, a sovereign country, that is bonded to American statehood through a treaty with the United States of America. Hence, the name “the Lone Star state.” And because Texas is part of the United States, but also not part of United States (a foreign country with the treaty), the Shechina is radiating in Texas" 

What a great post and explanation of Texas and what is happening here, but my hearts sank when this is why G-d brought us here and we never left and there is no where else we would be able to have this great place to stay a Noahide. I already see that I am Ger and he is Noahide and I do not think he will ever change and what any real depth of a relationship with G-d as I desire and that in turn will be passed on to Mylei who will also not desire an in-depth relationship with Adon Olam.

No, I question, if this persists, is this always my place or will divorce someday prevail so I can fully serve my maker in the capacity that is truly required of me?

The World of the Ger: Rabbi Chaim Clorfene

Accepting living as a Ger.

Well, it has been almost a year since I got out of the hospital and from my near death experience. Near death or death is debatable depending upon who you ask and how they interpret death.

All I know is that once the lights went out and I was in my own new after world, then I was resuscitated as the doctors stated, and awaken to this world.

Now, here I am year later and G-d has been faithful to answer my prayer to know the truth and have wisdom because I did not want to die an idol worshiper.

This year has been challenging to say the least. I have endured persecution, isolation, and rejection as well as respect and a loving supporting community.

One of the biggest key things that was weighing heavy on my heart was the infighting between us at home in the family and how to live and worship. Led to believe that we must either convert or Orthodox Judaism or have no for of tradition to pass on to Mylei or share as a family was a big one. We were giving up everything we knew that we have learned was idolatry and being told we could not practice the tradition of the Jews because we were not converted. I began to feel as if I was neither here or there, just stuck in the middle. We looked into moving to another area so we could move into a Jewish community, but I could see and feel the resistance from my husband. He was only agreeing because it was something I wanted to do and for that I know I cannot pursue conversion. It was obvious he was not into it fully, he wanted to know the truth and learn, but he does not want to take on the 613 laws. It showed in him never wearing the kippah that I bought for him; and then there was constant war over what we can eat or watch on tv.

Coming from a more dedicated life to G-d for over 38 years it was easy for me to give up things as I had for many many years in the past.

I begin to seek a compromise with him, could we at least do a conservative conversion so our daughter can be rasied Jewish and learn the traditions and celebrate all the high holidays and pass it on to her children for future generations.

Then in the past month 2 different Rabbi's have come to speak to our Noahide community. One willing to do conversion classes with us, I was elated, but then I can see that my husband was not in agreement, so I purposed it in my heart at that moment that in the event I outlive him and later in life become a widow, I will at that time go through conversion and until then I will just live as a Noahide.

So, when Rabbi Chaim Clorfene came to the community and spoke on the world of the Ger and observing Shabbat. It was wonderful to here. I felt so relieved. I learned I could practice the traditions of the Jew's and teach them to my daughter. I still hope to someday convert, but until that time arrives or if it never does, I can still serve G-d as a righteous practicing Ger. Although it isn't the perfect solution, it is the best solution for now and a compromise I can live with.