Accepting living as a Ger.

Well, it has been almost a year since I got out of the hospital and from my near death experience. Near death or death is debatable depending upon who you ask and how they interpret death.

All I know is that once the lights went out and I was in my own new after world, then I was resuscitated as the doctors stated, and awaken to this world.

Now, here I am year later and G-d has been faithful to answer my prayer to know the truth and have wisdom because I did not want to die an idol worshiper.

This year has been challenging to say the least. I have endured persecution, isolation, and rejection as well as respect and a loving supporting community.

One of the biggest key things that was weighing heavy on my heart was the infighting between us at home in the family and how to live and worship. Led to believe that we must either convert or Orthodox Judaism or have no for of tradition to pass on to Mylei or share as a family was a big one. We were giving up everything we knew that we have learned was idolatry and being told we could not practice the tradition of the Jews because we were not converted. I began to feel as if I was neither here or there, just stuck in the middle. We looked into moving to another area so we could move into a Jewish community, but I could see and feel the resistance from my husband. He was only agreeing because it was something I wanted to do and for that I know I cannot pursue conversion. It was obvious he was not into it fully, he wanted to know the truth and learn, but he does not want to take on the 613 laws. It showed in him never wearing the kippah that I bought for him; and then there was constant war over what we can eat or watch on tv.

Coming from a more dedicated life to G-d for over 38 years it was easy for me to give up things as I had for many many years in the past.

I begin to seek a compromise with him, could we at least do a conservative conversion so our daughter can be rasied Jewish and learn the traditions and celebrate all the high holidays and pass it on to her children for future generations.

Then in the past month 2 different Rabbi's have come to speak to our Noahide community. One willing to do conversion classes with us, I was elated, but then I can see that my husband was not in agreement, so I purposed it in my heart at that moment that in the event I outlive him and later in life become a widow, I will at that time go through conversion and until then I will just live as a Noahide.

So, when Rabbi Chaim Clorfene came to the community and spoke on the world of the Ger and observing Shabbat. It was wonderful to here. I felt so relieved. I learned I could practice the traditions of the Jew's and teach them to my daughter. I still hope to someday convert, but until that time arrives or if it never does, I can still serve G-d as a righteous practicing Ger. Although it isn't the perfect solution, it is the best solution for now and a compromise I can live with.